I know I'm country. The music I downloaded today indefinitely proves it, but damn. I love it! I embrace my redneck heritage....
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In other news, I have been trying to re-focus my energies. While some of it is coming naturally, there are still areas that I am forcing. I do get frustrated, and its easy for me to judge you and then make excuses for myself and others. I feel like a hypocrite.
I need to accept and live by the fact that drives me through most of my days. No one will ever love me as much as you. No one will ever look at me like you do. No one will ever accept me like you have. I will never meet anyone like you.
Why worry about the mundane, when in essence, I have achieved the one thing that once consumed me with fear? Why can't I get passed all of these feelings. Why no matter will I always feel this hole, this ache, this pain? Yes, I am satisfied, I am fulfilled, I am happy with you. But there is still a part that will never be at ease. A part of me that has been wounded beyond repair.
That is my only explanation for all of this. And while it feels and sounds like an excuse, it is actually a reason. I am very ashamed of that part of me, and for 5 years I tried to cut it out of me.
Maybe one day, many years from now I'll be okay. Maybe right now some of the wounds are still fresh, the memories too new. I still feel like its my fault, and although it has been months since anything has happened, it went on for far too long. It caused so many others things as well (Like my 5 year compulsion, to name one).
I still need therapy, but its hard to get help and heal if you're not actually honest with your doctors. I'm not ready to talk about it yet, and its entirely possible that I never will.