I know that I am a bad person. There is no need to tell me. My entire life (all 18 years of it) have gone....terribly wrong. There is so much that nesd to be fixed and acknowledged. I can't do anythint though.
I am/havebeen standing on thin ice. If I move the ice will crack and I'll drown. I have to stand still.
This is self-preservation. I know it and I feel very guilty for it. I am very weak, though easily controlled and twice as easily addicted.
This is why people commit suicide, ladies and gentlemen.
If I die today, I know that I'll burn in hell. I know that I deserve it too. I've gone through life blind (by choice no less). I'm sure I have have saved myself many a time. If I would have just thought about it a little longer.
Whats funny is I complain, whine and bitch, but I do NOTHING to change it. Fear has held me back for so long. I am powerless, I have no will. Everything that used to matter is slipping away from me.
This is going to end very badly. My intuition tells me that...I will probably die of this, figuratively or literally, my death will go unnoticed. No one realizes how far I've gone. No pretty red marks to guide you, for you to use as a map. No signs at all. On the surface I do not bleed, inside it comes in floods.
I am at a loss. Stuck between a rock, a hard place, bodies and knives. No visible blood or marks, nothing to give myself away. No one neesd to know. YOu cannot fathom the extent of this.
Be happy I'm a liar.