There is so much to say. As always. Lately I have been very hesitant to speak. It seems that I am afraid for no good reason, I know but the other part of me rationalizes it.
Being quiet is hard though. I know that everyone has something that they are dealing with, that they don't discuss, and most people handle it. I'm not sure why I can't. I haven't said this out loud, to the degree that it needs to be expressed, and I sincerely doubt that I ever will.
Just know, that this is killing me.
My mind races, thought to thought, person to person, always back to you. A million questions rest upon your face. It is positively heart-wrenching. I am still living with your ghost, still surviving on memories and past sensations and moments.
Sometimes I really hate you.
It has been raining incessantly. Someone needs to build the damn ark already. Thats been my joke for the past few days.
Oh! I have a story:
So since I've been on birth control, I have experienced the common side effects, weight gain (fuckin a), normal cycles, calmer PMS and breast growth.
Now, I had realized that my chest had gotten bigger, but I continued to wear my normal bra size of 34B, without much thought. That was until people started commenting on my chest, and how I appeared to be "popping out" of my bra. I finally broke down and went to Victoria's Secret for measurement.
She measured me at a D!!!!!!
She gave me a bra to try on and it actually fit, but there was this gap between the bra and my lower clavicle, above my breast and next to my protruding sternum. She came into the room to look, and noticed the gap as well. She asked me about my sternum, and I explained Marfans to her. She told me that if my chest were "Normal" I'd be a D, but since its "abnormal" I'd be more comfortable in a C.
SO. I went from a 34B to a 36C in a few months all thanks to birth control.
For the last few months I've been wearing a bra that essentially held me down, and now that I'm wearing one that accentuates what I have...I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm mis-judging gaps and distances and running into things with them, in almost every shirt you can see cleavage, and all in all I feel incredibly busty.
I'm not used to having boobs. Its a sad thing. The whole concept of feminity has always been very uncomfortable to me. When I was 11 (I was a B then too) and first started developing breats I taped them down everyday and wore big shirts. And then when I started my period I waited a whole year before I told my Mom. I can still barely say the word period to her or anyone, the whole thing...is just very unspeakable to me.
Though apparently, type-able.
I was at Matt's house today, and I found a graduation card in his room, addressed to me that a girl has given him to pass on to me. Of course it has laid on his floor for 4 months.
Its from a girl named Kelsie, a girl who is a devout Catholic, a hockey player, a genius and an aspiring Nun.
The card was very sweet and well written so I wanted to post what she wrote,
Dear Mandy,
Congrats! Thanks for the spanish card, it was perty neat, its too bad u couldn't enjoy it also! I truly enjoyed getting to know U- it was very refreshing to meet someone so real and self-driven. But you are still a mystery to me-That is- inexhaustible in depth (as every person is) but the glimpses I get at your internal beauty lift me to the heavens to praise their source. Example- You have a stranger way of attracting the newsies and making them feel comfortable and liked, like Phat and Claudia. I think that was beacause of your candor- refusing to let timidity or shallowness interfere with your ineraction with someone. You were able and courageous enough to disagree with people, to share your feelings and to compliment others. I appreciate how much you respected me- more than almost everybody else- even if you didn't understand me or were different than me. I like how you didn't need ot have someone next to you or identical to you to be yourself. And I admire your artisticness- creativity in writing and such. I never get to read any of your poetry but I imagine that it is a witness to the beauty of its source- Your Soul- and its source- The Divine Artist. That is why art is so beautiful- it reflects the Divine Artist whose image we enjoy. And we love what is beautiful because we were made for the Beautiful One, we have a natural love for our greatest good- Which is God. There's a micro-philosophy lesson :). I think you would enjoy philosophy, actually a lot. Its so liberating and your mind is so open and thirsty for truth. But anyways, I had no intention of writing so much. Give last exhortation- Do not forget that God desires you to be a great Saint for Him and all these qualities are a testament to your potentiality.
I love you,
Kelsie
That, was the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.