I am very tired of crying. Its all I ever do. Cry, because this is not working. And its not fair. And it could very well be one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I want it, and I need it to work, but I really don't see how it possibly can right now.
Animal I have become- 3 Days Grace
I looked at loan websites today. I also threw a tantrum. Cried for a few hours, took a long nap. Took everything
"Hollins" in my room and put it in a large Gordman's bag. Had my mother talk to me like I was two. I am infuriated. Nothing is as it should be.
This should be the happiest time of my life. I'm engaged, I'm with a wonderful guy who loves and adores me. I have been accepted to my first choice, college of my dreams. I'm done with high school. I'm turning 18 in 16 days.
And instead...I am a very depressed, suicidal mess. I don't see the point. The stress of getting to Hollins is killing me all the joy previously instilled in it has died.
Behind Blue Eyes- Limp Bizkit
My family is telling me its the worst decision in the free-fucking-world if I go. They're acting as though taking out loans is equivalent to selling my soul to Satan. They are all treating me as though I'm still a little girl, and I have no idea how to do anything on my own. I admit, that for the most part, I don't know. BUT I AM LEARNING. I AM GROWING UP. I CANNOT BASE MY DECISIONS ON THE ACCEPTANCE OF MY FAMILY ANYMORE.
When I do that. Bad things happen. I become quite obsessed with what they think and say. Thats when I start cutting myself because I don't think I'm living up to their expectations. In a sense, this hell, this summer, its my liberation. I am being let out of my 18 year term Prison.
Its driving me insane.
Bother- Stone Sour
I WISH I WAS TOO DEAD TO CRY
I know how incredibly teenage I sound. I swear to God, I can't help it. There is something inside of me that I'm longing to express but with each word I type, I only prove my age and lack of maturity.
I really wish I could make everyone happy. Not having the approval of my parents is very hard. I'm not sure I had their approval my whole life, consistently. But regardless, somehow this feels different. Maybe because its the biggest decision I've made on my own. My first big decision and they're telling me its the wrong one. How should I be handling this? Should I
cave? Succumb to the will of Mommy and Daddy for the rest of my life? Let them tell me what college I should go to, what career I should pursue. Should I give up my freewill entirely?
Californication- Red Hot Chili Peppers
And if I do go, there is so much I need to do. I need to get my shit together, because right now, I know I'm not ready. I wish I had a *re-do* button. Lets go back to 1988 and tell Connie and Glenn to start a damn college fund. Christ almighty, I may turn out to be the worst parent in the world but so help me God, I will have a college fund for my child. And they'll go to the dentist regularly.
(2 of the many things that upset me about my childhood, 1. No college fund, 2. I should have had braces)
They tell me they're not mad, they're dissapointed. Well, parents. That makes THREE of us. I'm dissapointed that you have handled so poorly, the fact that I'm growing up against your will. I'm dissapointed that you cannot even pretend to be happy for me, and what I've accomplished by getting into Hollins. I'm dissapointed that you won't even help me achieve my dreams.
Do I make you Proud?- Taylor Hicks