I really am making an effort. I thought you should know. Because I'm not sure yet if you've noticed/care/enjoyed seeing me fall on my face. I'm almost certain of the last one though.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful addiction. I'm almost there. The obsession is forming in my mind. I cannot ever manage to be normal can I? There is always something or someone that just...absorbs me.
And these moments leave me tingly. I feel so small, so very tiny in comparison to you. I know I am attempting things that are way over my head. I think its a little bit exciting and kind of fun though.
July 3. I cannot stop thinking about July 3. Why? You'll never know, and neither will I.
This novel, in my head. I have a name for it. But I don't want to disclose anything until well...its written on paper? or in a computer? And hell...I'm just paranoid.
I want to be a diaryland gold member, and have a digital camera. I'd post pictures like a nazi. Because although I am disgusted with myself 98% of the time, I am also obsessed with myself. And things. I'd take pictures and be like, Look!
It'd be great.
I think my feelings are hurt. I know they shouldn't be and I know that its a sin for them to be hurt in the first place. I know this is wrong, and while its happening my heart screams NO and my head screams NO but my body and mouth are no longer connected to me. And I'm not sure I can be held accountable for what I'm doing.
This is rather out of body.
I miss writing. Oh emo-teenage-rant poems. Those were the days man. What am I now? I used to cling to those labels, poet, anorexic, builimic, cutter...I AM NOTHING NOW. I can't have that can I?
I miss cutting. I really do. When I close my eyes I can see all my pretty red marks forming on my skin again, and then the blood starts and dripdripdrip.
I miss it. It was comforting. My scars are white. The worst of which, on my left wrist. Where you (I) can still see it, pale white (RED in my head) BAD
I've been drawing a star in black sharpie over it. I think thats where my first tatoo will be. My left wrist.
Man-oh-man.