I'm quite serious when I say that. This is a mood swing if I've ever had one, I was very high, for so long it seemed like. Then...no good reason really but I have crashed, hard.
I'm dying here. I want to bleed I want to starve, I just feel so anxious and I'm spinning. My feet are not on the ground and I cannot pretend. Nothing is okay, this is not alright and I have no help whatsoever.
Being pursued by Mr. Dave, writing me sexually explicit notes. Why am I putting up with this? Why don't I just tell him to stop? Its not like I have any intention of fucking him, or giving him the time of day outside of class. WHAT is my problem. I am too damn lazy to move. He helps me with my homework and we talk about music.
He's harmless really, but most girls wouldn't stand for this.
And most girls wouldn't be making him a CD for his birthday. But whatever, the class is over soon.
IT HAS BEEN SO LONG. I have made it so far, am I willing to drop it now? Just one little cut, I AM DYING. Its pent up around my heart and my head and its in my throat and I feel so much pressure. I am about to explode.
Maybe I'm pre-menstrual..but God. This is intense. There is so much that needs to get done and absolutely no fucking time for it.
I haven't spoken to any of my friends. I've been going to school, fucking matt, going to work, baby sitting and at home. NOTHING else. I'm working on auto-pilot. Its just assumed now with Matt. Anytime I see him he's ready to jump me. Its just been so hard with this engagement, the reactions and now that we're actually able to see each other we don't know what to do but go at it.
Not that I'm complaining.
But I remember when kissing was the most erotic thing in my life.
I don't know if I can do this anymore. Each day I'm just pushing through and for what? To make it to the next day. Living each day only for tomorrow, its not healthy. My fucking antidepressants are not working, why the fuck am I still taking them. Its a waste of fucking money and I'm probably killing brain cells and giving myself cancer by taking them.
This is what happens when mandy is left alone. She becomes bitter, angry and depressed. I'm prepared to kill and then crawl into a hole and drown in my tears and blood.
I just want things to work.
Nothing will ever be how it should be. Everything is such a mess, I am not completely satisfied with anything and its getting to me. And instead of fixing it I complain or ignore it.
I cannot stand this much longer.