So. I'm still here.
Not so much writing online as much as paper, the journal Uncle Jim gave me for Christmas. So here's the transfer:
1/3/06
I feel as though its time to shut down. I am tired of living and would much rather just watch everyone else. I have no one left. Mommy has betrayed me, Sarah too. Daddy can just go to hell. Mrs. Humy is there to teach me math not to be my pseudo-parent or therapist. And I feel guilty for wanting her to be. I can't trust Mr. Greene, Uncle Jim just patronizes me. Aunt Debbie bashes Daddy, with Dr. Rizvi there's a language barrier. And sometimes I think Matt's only in lust and not in love.
Everyone I know is tired of hearing me bitch and cry. And so am I. I'm tired of feeling this way. What I want to know is what mae it so prominent, and so obvious? What was different 4 years ago? It was a fight similiar to many others. Why was that the breaking point? And why have I been unable to quit breaking since then?
I think I'm done talking. No one can fix me or help me. Seeing Dr. Rizvi is a waste of money and taking the psychotrophics only appeases the Doctors, not my heart.
I am so tired of trying. I'm bitter and angry because of it as well. Sometimes I sit and listen for God to tell me the most obvious solution to all of these problems and then I'll question whether or not what I heard was God or just Amanda Jo screwing herself as usual. I'm feeling very crazy right now. I wan to cut myself to confirm these feelings and then bleed them out of me.
I want to cut myself open and bleed to death right now. I have no one. And even if I do have someone I'm too paranoid to realize I have them.
It kills me. It really does. To have so much loe for a person who is completely INDIFFERENT to you. Yea, she tells me she loves me and yes, I believe her, but I know she loves him more than me. He will always be at the top of her priority list. nd I feel so bad asking her to leave him as many times as I have. I know he's my father and deep down I really dolove him, thats why I hurt so bad because of him. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I know if God intends them to stay together they will.
But I don't see why they should.
Four hours into this silent treatment and my heart is breaking and I can't stop crying. When she was in here all I wanted to do was hug her and be safe in her arms. But I didn't. I stared at her, trying to hide my tears but failing. And I know she wanted me to talk but Jesus somethings are too hard to say. She kept on asking me what I was thinking. I told her nothing, but I wanted to ask her wat she would do if I died? I'm all that keeps her sane I would have asked her if A.) it wouldn't be breaking my "indifferent-silent-attitude" B.) She wouldn't take it as a suicide threat and haul my ass off to he psychward. I'm just so tired.
More later.