I think I need to set aside a full week where I'd do nothing but sleep. Perhaps we can arrange for Matt to be in the bed too.
The play has been nothing but a nuissance and a disaster. No one's taking it seriously, Christian is a faggot bitch and the music room is cold. Its all just rather unpleasant.
Officially unemployed. Yay me. I went in today to see about Sunday, thank God, I don't have to go in, I'm officially done. Now, I have to get a new job before my father notices that I'm unemployed. The extent that we go to just to avoid telling him simple things. Its all so stupid.
Mrs. Humy is having me keep a "Feelings Journal". This is amusing for a few reasons...
1.) She's my math teacher. And also my pseudo, make-shift therapist.
2.) Feelings journal?! that just sounds fucked up.
3.) Its the same journal I have not been consistently writing in since 2002.
I started writing about Matt in that journal, way before anything ever started. And then twenty pages later I'm writing about sexual escapades with the same boy. Oh how time flies.
I went to Jon's funeral yesterday, it was very sad. All the Subway employees were there, all of them completely shunned me except for Dot the lesbian who at least waved at me. Chris released three doves at the end to represent the three brothers...it was very beautiful. Poor Robbie and Bill, I wanted very much to hold them both. I feel horrible for Bill, he was the one who found him...It really is not fair. This family has suffered enough. 2 sons gone now, God please, no more.
I have acquired new weapons of self destruction. Several new blades are carefully hidden in my room. Everyday when I get home I close my door and check to make sure that they're still there. I breathe easy when my fingers find the cold steel.
I've decided that I do not want to do what Jon did, but I'm not afraid to either.