My boss's son committed suicide on Thursday. I just found out about it last night.
I don't know how I feel about this. I didn't personally know Jon, I knew his father, his brother Chris, and his his mother...I spoke to Jon once on the phone, and he's on the schedule at work. I've heard people at work complaining about him, his inability to do things right, and him just not caring.
He shot himself in the head.
And now my mom and dad are playing concerned again, because of Jon and some other girl my mother knows. I do not want to be saved through Jon's death. He is not my savior.
It makes me very angry that they're using this as something to compare me to. The conversation we had last night was horrible.
I wanted to run away and just be alone. I'm angry that John committed suicide. His family is so broken as is. Now they have two dead sons. Poor chris, he's the only one left, he's probably going to feel as if his days are numbered. And what about when Bill dies? His cancer is advanced.
I feel like such a hypocrite. Whenever anyone does the same destructive thing as me I get all holy-er than thou and try to direct them otherwise. I'm mad that it worked for Jon and it never worked for me.
I'm sad that the world is going to continue spinning and people will get on with their lives. And even though Robbie and Bill and Chris will probably never be able to go a day without thinking of Jon, they're going to smile again and laugh and feel better for awhile. That makes me sad.
If I were to succeed and actually die, how many lives would that effect? Did Jon realize how many people would be effected? What brought Jon to his breaking point?
This just doesn't seem fair. God should plant a hedge, no a WALL of protection around this family as high as the wall of china. No more. They have suffered enough.
What's it going to be like at Work? Jon's name is on the schedule...he's scheduled to work, still. What will Bill be like? What about Chris? What about the rest of the subway employees? Do they all know? Do they care?
I want to go to the funeral.