Lessons Learned
«2007-06-27»

playing:She Drives Me Crazy- Fine Young Cannibals
feeling:Unsure

Oh, love.

Out of the many things I have learned as of late. One of the more important things is that you are indispensable. That's right. I cannot do without you. It has taken me sometime to arrive at this place. And while the vulnerability makes me mildly uncomfortable, I realize that it is necessary. And eventually, soon, I will grow used to this openness.

I know you are growing tired of hearing about all of this. And even though you may disagree, I think I am doing well. Very well, in fact. There is so much that I am denying myself. Everyday is a fight against self-destruction, and guess what?

I'm winning.

Never again will I doubt a persons ability to change. I am living proof that it is possible.

My new theory is, that you have to have a pure reason to change. You are my reason to be better.

All of these feelings are quite overwhelming, and while some are good, very good. Some are...exact opposites.

Sometimes I think and I think such bad thoughts, and I can't stop them. I think and I see such horrible things and I start to feel sick. I start to cry and it burns me up inside.

Please. Don't think I'm crazy.

I'm not sure how to deal with things. I haven't had to do this before. And prior to this my solution to my problems came in the form of a razor blade.

I don't want to do that again.

So all I can do instead is talk to you about, to pray to God to heal my heart, to beg for things to be okay.

I've been waiting to ask this, but I really want to know. What have you learned from all of this?

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